my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
