Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
