i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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