Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
