maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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