ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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