that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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