Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
