Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
