If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
