I will die if light touches me.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
