Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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