i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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