when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
