NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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