fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
