Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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