How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
