trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Life is so much better after having sex.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
