So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
