shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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