sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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