I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
