You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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