Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
