So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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