well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
