Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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