when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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