There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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