paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Randomize
