I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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