i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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