Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
