I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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