Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wish I only lived at night.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
