MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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