I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
