Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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