New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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