when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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