I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
