I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
