Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
