I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
