a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
