On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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