still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
