How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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