I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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