Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
